Friday, January 14, 2011

Tour guide

We have so much snow and I love it! ...except for driving. I do not like sledding while driving. But walking in the snow? Love it. I love the crunching sound the snow makes when you're walking and I love how blue the sky looks with a blanket of crisp white snow beneath it. Someone I know committed suicide yesterday and he is a snowboarder and I kept thinking what a perfect day today would have been, if he could have just held on one more day he might've found there was just enough beauty in the world to keep living for. I know it's not that simple and it's actually a little crazy how much my own perspective has changed since I've had kaden. The world is brand new to me. I know you've heard the cliche about how having kids makes you see things from a child like perspective and so the world is sparkly and new again. And that's true, but it's more than that. I spent several years shutting things out and numbing myself to the world around me. When I found out I was pregnant it was scary because I couldn't do that anymore. I couldn't even take my anti depressant. After I had kaden I still had those feelings ( I could write an entire post about post partum depression) and hoped that God would take away my need to dull my senses and, slowly, he did. Now it's pretty rare that I even have a drink and when I do, I usually get a pretty immediate headache. Sometimes, especially if I'm with my girlfriends I'll drink more than I really want to, to try to 'power through' but I always regret it in the morning. Even more importantly, I haven't been on my lexapro since directly after I had kaden and, as I alluded to previously, had some depression but I went off of it inside a week. There have been some especially dreary days this winter when I felt I could have used it but over all, I feel pretty great most of the time. Living without my 'crutches' and having a child I've been forced to actually be a participant in the world. I've been in the moment which can seem achingly bright and so very real, like I'm coming out of the darkness after hibernating, which, I guess I was. Somewhere inside myself I hear, "yes. Welcome. You're here, on earth. There's the sun, the sky..."(this voice sounds remarkably like Charlie from it's always sunny...) And so I take hold of my son's hand and we discover everything beautiful and everything real together.

(I can't edit this at the moment so sorry if it's redundant or has spelling errors.)

1 comment:

  1. I am so sorry to hear about the poor soul that took his own life. I did see the facebook post on the Ghosts page, but I didn't understand it till now. It is NOT too late to pray for him. If you don't know what I mean by that, ask me next time we talk.
    The part about you is beautiful. I know the truth in it firsthand.
    I remember walking around in a grocery store with you in the cart. You were around two. Our life was in a rough place, still. We were talking,and you must have said something funny and cute, because I said to you,"what would I do without you?" Another lady shopping remarked...I forget what she said, but it was something nice...but I have often remembered that moment, and thought just how prophetic it was. :) Your presence in my life has always brought nothing but good, as have all the kids, in different ways. You have all brought me through some stuff when I would have liked to just give up. So thank you for that, and keep enjoying these beautiful moments, you are right to do so, and to pray for what you need. God has a way of delivering much more than we can even dream.